Relief with a Side of Grief

R and I went for an afternoon drive along Port Phillip bay a couple of days ago, further than we have ever driven before.  Outside the air was chilly, but inside the car the sun felt warm, and the water reflected bouncing shades of turquoise, green and teal. With my parents capably in charge at home, we savored a few quiet moments of enjoying a landscape we have come to love.  

Afterward I felt what will no doubt become a familiar confluence of emotions.  I was overwhelmed with a sense of relief even as a grief began to surface from down below where it has been lurking for a good while now.

The relief stemmed from nailing down a few details as to how we will start the process of packing up our Australian life and preparing to move back to Pittsburgh. I have wanted to avoid this topic for as long as possible.  First there was the end of the school year to get through, followed by the Christmas season.  Then we had two wonderful weeks in Queensland,  the visit of my parents, a trip to New Zealand and a second round of visitors.  That has brought us to the end of January. Time to face the reality that we must wrap up this period of our lives.

'When exactly should we move out of our house?' asked my ever-practical husband.

I considered changing the subject, but thought better of it.  'Let's keep it to the last possible minute,' I replied.

R doesn't want to start the process of moving any more than I do, but he had clearly thought ahead about all that we will need to do, and how to best accomplish it.

'I think we should be completely moved out by the end of first term,' he said.  'That way we can do all of the work while the kids are in school.' 

End of first term???  That is only ten short weeks away.  

"No, no and no" was my immediate gut response.  I stared out at the window for some time before replying.  I knew he was right, but it took me some time to agree. Once I did, I began to focus on the "we" part of his suggestion.  What a relief to realize that I won't be doing it alone this time.  I know from previous experience what that feels like.  Instead he will be around to help with all of the mundane details of sorting through four years' worth of accumulated books, furniture, clothing and appliances.  

"I'm so glad that this time he will be on the same continent as we are through the moving process," I thought.  The relief, however, quickly gave way to the twin river of grief.  It has been there for ages, but up until now I have been able to keep it beneath the surface.  How appropriate to wake up the next morning to the following image from Communicating Across Boundaries in my inbox:

I agree.  I don't want to start 'doing' goodbye, not tomorrow, not in ten weeks, not in three months, not ever.

Today I can sense the physical pain of grief as a hard lump in my throat.  It has lasted all through the ritual of taking our youngest for his first day of Year 2, through a hurried breakfast afterward, and well into the morning chores of laundry, kitchen clean up, and straightening up the house.  Probably it would help to be able to break down and let it all gush out from time to time as at least one of my friends is able to do.  I envy her ability to sob, even as she apologizes for it.

Instead, I carry on with what must be done---list making, informing schools that this will be the last term for our kids and steeling myself for what lies ahead.  I don't want to do goodbye, but it would be even worse to come to the end of four years, and to realize that we had nothing at all to mourn.  And I am thankful for the "we" in the whole process---a we that includes not just R and our children, but many others who have offered to come alongside us and help us navigate the waters ahead.

 

Comments

[Suzanne]

Feeling for you. :(

[Christie]

Thanks Suzanne. You know as well as anyone all the ups and downs (mostly ups) of our Australian experience, and how much I fretted ahead of time over the potential downsides. As for worrying about the return, there certainly will be positives, including living closer to cousins!

[Crystal Keller]

Christie - I've been thinking of you and the kids and Ross so often and I've been praying for you - each of you. I'm so sorry for the pain but as you said, the blessing is that you've had an amazing 5 years and there is much to grieve. Glad you will be doing it together with all those you love on that side of the pond. I'll keep praying for each breath and each step you take in faith trusting God to go with you through it. Love you!!!!

[Christie]

Hi Crystal, I appreciate your thoughts and prayers, and I think of you so often, particularly when out enjoying a flat white and a slice. Love and hugs to you as well.